I didn’t think I would live to see this day. If you had told me that, in 10 years, I would be able to sit in a coffee shop and write an article about how I’ve survived the past 10 years of grief, I wouldn’t have believed you. “Thanks for being optimistic,” I would have said, “but, you’re lying. Surviving this is impossible.”
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself Caroline 🙏🏽
As I read this, "I never got to see his gentle, kind eyes that lit up whenever I walked into a room. I never got to see him smile his warm smile that melted any sadness away from my soul," I thought about my two baby girls.
The thought of not being there to shower them with the love they, and we all, deserve is heartbreaking to consider 💔
Hey Jamal! I was thinking that you'd also experienced loss. Now I see, it's more about the experience you girls may go through in the future. Did I get that?
It doesn’t feel right to like this post, but I how you captured the picture of your grief, the desperation to look into your father’s eyes one last time.
Our bodies do remember; my godmother and namesake died of alcoholism just days before my birthday. I still recall the phone call, the bright sunshine, the blur of travel, and a rare, subdued birthday celebration in my hometown with several siblings and my parents. Their last minute gifts featured fragile things like decorative ceramic mugs that I had to pack in my suitcase wrapped in clothes and extra towels.
Every year since then, that day feels different from other summer days and I smell her house, feel her hugs, see her last dinner with us.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Godmother. That is devastating. My body is certainly remembering today, too. It's crazy how much grief has a mind of its own.
Thank you so much for this beautiful post, Caroline. I’m sending you so much love today.
As a grief worker and someone who has experienced the deep weight of grief, I resonated with so much of what you said. I’m grateful that you didn’t sugarcoat it and addressed the fact that this is really hard. I’m still learning to make space for all my grief, so I’m thankful for your gentle reminder to do so 🤎
I appreciate your vulnerability in writing this- I know it couldn’t have been easy. Even though I’ve not personally experienced this type of grief I have many friends who have, and hearing these types of accounts helps those of us who aren’t living it to hopefully show up a little bit better for our friends who do carry this type of grief. Our stories are so important and I’m grateful when you share yours.
This has touched me in so so many ways bringing tears to my eyes . I lost my dad in 2017 after helping my mum to care for him as he suddenly developed vascular dementia and crumbled and passed away as we sat in hosptial with him . Then went straight into fight flight care and suooort my now widowed mum in her late 70s , as my own mental health crumbled . I then ended up in hospital in June 2021 as she passed on the night of my birthday . Since then , I’ve tried to keep going . I always have . I’m a dad of four , a husband , in a world where life is relentless and does not allow you to stop . Lost my job and career around this time , and have struggled so badly with my mental health , but kept going , wondering why I’m no longer connected to anyone or anything . Depression and more anti depressants from dr . I was also diagnosed with ASD and adhd around the same time . My world as you said , that I knew , has gone . And I try so hard to get it back . Daily dizzyness when I get stressed , worry’s me that something is wrong . My mum , and dad , were the two that I got , that got me , but I can’t call on them for grounding anymore , and I feel so so vulnerable . I’m 50 this year , and always thought I’d be Emotionally set up by now , but boy, how wrong this has proved .
Reading your post made me think maybe , juts maybe , grief is at play here ? Maybe it’s that. I’d of thought 7 years since my dad then 3 since my mum, I’d be ok ? Surely ? I can’t see the point in much , and as you say, I have days that are ok / good , but I know that the next day I wake up, that empty what’s the point feeling is there . Every day . I’m being called on by life to be more adult than I can be . Thank you for sharing .
You do not have to outlast your grief. You do not have to accomplish it or win it or prove that you are "over it." There is no getting over your losses. Grief will never leave your side. I am so sorry you have lost your pillars. Of course you feel lost, empty, and struggle physically. Have you allowed yourself to truly grieve every moment these feelings surface? Have you confronted these feelings, named them, and tried to understand them? It's, of course, much easier said than done. This is a daily battle for me as well. You aren't alone.
I honestly don’t know if I have . After my mum passed , what followed was the most awful fall out with my two elder narcissistic brothers , who left me , the one with a family , to do all the sorting and organising of the estate etc , which took over 2 years , and only really came to a close in jan this year . It was a daily feeling of fight or flight . I feel lost in my head with everything . Trying to always work out what feeling is what , what I should be , who I should be , and trying to find some kind of plan or map
Of life to now guide me , and failing . My head is on constant thinking . Solution finding , not settling , trying to find the best answer and solution for everything . Does make me feel like I’m going mad . There are times something will trigger me to just break down and sob. But it’s the heaviness , and feeling so energy less to life that I just worry about . Is this how I will be now on ? I ask myself . Weak and tired ? I am sorry for your loss , and hope your journey , which you seem to have done to accept , is one you can continue to build on .
I’ve hit a year and a half of losing my dad physically however we slowly lost him through his battle with cancer before that. I’m come to accept that most of my year moving forward will consist of grieving him during every holiday, special occasion, and memory our bodies holds over the trauma of losing someone we love and losing them to terminal illness. In every decision and change happening in my life, I’ve found grief to be there asking me sit in hard and heartbreaking solitude, but this too is my reminder of how deeply our grief calls us to love. Thank you for sharing your own journey with us and sharing a part of your father’s light as well. May we have days filled with ease and goodness as their children on this side of eternity.
Yes, heartbreaking solitude. Whew. I find it hard to sit in that solitude by the nature of my life with kids 24/7. I need to find time to do so. Thank you for this.
Thanks so much for writing this, Caroline. There are so many of us who identify with the hardship of losing a parent. Especially if it's sudden. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer on the last day of August last year & he died 48 hours later. It was so unexpected. He'd been fit & healthy his entire life. Then he started complaining about a pain in his back &, before we knew it, he was gone. I've actually written about the cognitive dissonance that's created in me in my latest Substack post: https://open.substack.com/pub/karlamariesweet/p/writers-workshop-the-infinite-wisdom
Perhaps you'll find something in it that speaks to you the way your post spoke to me. The bereaved child club is a strange & sad one to be a member of but I do take solace in how many people out there have some understanding of how I feel. xx
I was sobbing reading this … thank you for putting this into words for us to read. 2 years ago I was talking to a friend while I was grieving (still am), and she told me, the pain that we feel that comes after death equals to the love we have for that person. It feels so painful because you cannot share the love anymore and this not being able to share, because they are physically gone is painful for the body. I had to find a way to put my love in a place where I could share it … rituals, memories, songs, people, movies … everything where I could connect to them through other means helps me to share my love. Again thank you so much 🌱🫂
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. This line really landed for me: Grief is survivable when you say, “Welcome, friend. I’m not glad you’re here, but I know you need to be. I’ve saved a space for you.”
I remember when my grandmother unexpectedly passed, my grief came in waves. Between the impossibility of never hugging her again, the beauty of the world (the audacity of blooming bougainvillea, ravens dancing on a current, the kind voice of a friend) touched my heart in profound and unexpected ways. It all served to remind me that even in moments of bleakness I was not alone. I hope you're also finding some holding and community here. <3
Thank you for sharing this part of yourself Caroline 🙏🏽
As I read this, "I never got to see his gentle, kind eyes that lit up whenever I walked into a room. I never got to see him smile his warm smile that melted any sadness away from my soul," I thought about my two baby girls.
The thought of not being there to shower them with the love they, and we all, deserve is heartbreaking to consider 💔
It is heartbreaking. I've never received the same love and protection again. I hope my daughters don't have to go through this for a very long time.
🙏🏽
Have shared the story of your babies Jamal? I'm feeling the tenderness of my own heart in this comment.
Hey Kelsey!
I didn’t quite understand that first question.
I do love my girls though 🥰
Hey Jamal! I was thinking that you'd also experienced loss. Now I see, it's more about the experience you girls may go through in the future. Did I get that?
That’s right.
As I reflected on Caroline’s piece, my thoughts were drawn to my role as a father.
It doesn’t feel right to like this post, but I how you captured the picture of your grief, the desperation to look into your father’s eyes one last time.
Our bodies do remember; my godmother and namesake died of alcoholism just days before my birthday. I still recall the phone call, the bright sunshine, the blur of travel, and a rare, subdued birthday celebration in my hometown with several siblings and my parents. Their last minute gifts featured fragile things like decorative ceramic mugs that I had to pack in my suitcase wrapped in clothes and extra towels.
Every year since then, that day feels different from other summer days and I smell her house, feel her hugs, see her last dinner with us.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Godmother. That is devastating. My body is certainly remembering today, too. It's crazy how much grief has a mind of its own.
Thank you so much for this beautiful post, Caroline. I’m sending you so much love today.
As a grief worker and someone who has experienced the deep weight of grief, I resonated with so much of what you said. I’m grateful that you didn’t sugarcoat it and addressed the fact that this is really hard. I’m still learning to make space for all my grief, so I’m thankful for your gentle reminder to do so 🤎
My writing serves as lessons to myself. I'm still learning to make space. I'm still struggling with the natural inclination to suppress. It's hard.
I appreciate your vulnerability in writing this- I know it couldn’t have been easy. Even though I’ve not personally experienced this type of grief I have many friends who have, and hearing these types of accounts helps those of us who aren’t living it to hopefully show up a little bit better for our friends who do carry this type of grief. Our stories are so important and I’m grateful when you share yours.
This has touched me in so so many ways bringing tears to my eyes . I lost my dad in 2017 after helping my mum to care for him as he suddenly developed vascular dementia and crumbled and passed away as we sat in hosptial with him . Then went straight into fight flight care and suooort my now widowed mum in her late 70s , as my own mental health crumbled . I then ended up in hospital in June 2021 as she passed on the night of my birthday . Since then , I’ve tried to keep going . I always have . I’m a dad of four , a husband , in a world where life is relentless and does not allow you to stop . Lost my job and career around this time , and have struggled so badly with my mental health , but kept going , wondering why I’m no longer connected to anyone or anything . Depression and more anti depressants from dr . I was also diagnosed with ASD and adhd around the same time . My world as you said , that I knew , has gone . And I try so hard to get it back . Daily dizzyness when I get stressed , worry’s me that something is wrong . My mum , and dad , were the two that I got , that got me , but I can’t call on them for grounding anymore , and I feel so so vulnerable . I’m 50 this year , and always thought I’d be Emotionally set up by now , but boy, how wrong this has proved .
Reading your post made me think maybe , juts maybe , grief is at play here ? Maybe it’s that. I’d of thought 7 years since my dad then 3 since my mum, I’d be ok ? Surely ? I can’t see the point in much , and as you say, I have days that are ok / good , but I know that the next day I wake up, that empty what’s the point feeling is there . Every day . I’m being called on by life to be more adult than I can be . Thank you for sharing .
You do not have to outlast your grief. You do not have to accomplish it or win it or prove that you are "over it." There is no getting over your losses. Grief will never leave your side. I am so sorry you have lost your pillars. Of course you feel lost, empty, and struggle physically. Have you allowed yourself to truly grieve every moment these feelings surface? Have you confronted these feelings, named them, and tried to understand them? It's, of course, much easier said than done. This is a daily battle for me as well. You aren't alone.
I honestly don’t know if I have . After my mum passed , what followed was the most awful fall out with my two elder narcissistic brothers , who left me , the one with a family , to do all the sorting and organising of the estate etc , which took over 2 years , and only really came to a close in jan this year . It was a daily feeling of fight or flight . I feel lost in my head with everything . Trying to always work out what feeling is what , what I should be , who I should be , and trying to find some kind of plan or map
Of life to now guide me , and failing . My head is on constant thinking . Solution finding , not settling , trying to find the best answer and solution for everything . Does make me feel like I’m going mad . There are times something will trigger me to just break down and sob. But it’s the heaviness , and feeling so energy less to life that I just worry about . Is this how I will be now on ? I ask myself . Weak and tired ? I am sorry for your loss , and hope your journey , which you seem to have done to accept , is one you can continue to build on .
I’ve hit a year and a half of losing my dad physically however we slowly lost him through his battle with cancer before that. I’m come to accept that most of my year moving forward will consist of grieving him during every holiday, special occasion, and memory our bodies holds over the trauma of losing someone we love and losing them to terminal illness. In every decision and change happening in my life, I’ve found grief to be there asking me sit in hard and heartbreaking solitude, but this too is my reminder of how deeply our grief calls us to love. Thank you for sharing your own journey with us and sharing a part of your father’s light as well. May we have days filled with ease and goodness as their children on this side of eternity.
Yes, heartbreaking solitude. Whew. I find it hard to sit in that solitude by the nature of my life with kids 24/7. I need to find time to do so. Thank you for this.
Thanks so much for writing this, Caroline. There are so many of us who identify with the hardship of losing a parent. Especially if it's sudden. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer on the last day of August last year & he died 48 hours later. It was so unexpected. He'd been fit & healthy his entire life. Then he started complaining about a pain in his back &, before we knew it, he was gone. I've actually written about the cognitive dissonance that's created in me in my latest Substack post: https://open.substack.com/pub/karlamariesweet/p/writers-workshop-the-infinite-wisdom
Perhaps you'll find something in it that speaks to you the way your post spoke to me. The bereaved child club is a strange & sad one to be a member of but I do take solace in how many people out there have some understanding of how I feel. xx
I was sobbing reading this … thank you for putting this into words for us to read. 2 years ago I was talking to a friend while I was grieving (still am), and she told me, the pain that we feel that comes after death equals to the love we have for that person. It feels so painful because you cannot share the love anymore and this not being able to share, because they are physically gone is painful for the body. I had to find a way to put my love in a place where I could share it … rituals, memories, songs, people, movies … everything where I could connect to them through other means helps me to share my love. Again thank you so much 🌱🫂
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. This line really landed for me: Grief is survivable when you say, “Welcome, friend. I’m not glad you’re here, but I know you need to be. I’ve saved a space for you.”
I remember when my grandmother unexpectedly passed, my grief came in waves. Between the impossibility of never hugging her again, the beauty of the world (the audacity of blooming bougainvillea, ravens dancing on a current, the kind voice of a friend) touched my heart in profound and unexpected ways. It all served to remind me that even in moments of bleakness I was not alone. I hope you're also finding some holding and community here. <3