It’s been a while.
I’m not even sure how to write anymore.
What are words?
How does one use them?
Brain, are you here?
That is how everything involving my brain feels lately.
Thoughts? What are those?
Opinions? Don’t have ‘em.
Feelings? Psssh. Who needs ‘em.
I have officially become numb to everything in the world.
Someone hacked our social security numbers?
Scroll.
A political candidate admits he’s racist and hates women?
What else is new?
I’m pretty sure the only surge of emotion I have felt in the last few weeks has been the excitement and pride when a Black woman won a gold medal during the Olympics. Regardless of country or sport, my heart cannot help but swell when I witness the domination of Black Girl Magic. Other than that, I’ve just been existing. Floating. Surviving. My days begin and end with feeding my children—scrambled eggs in the morning, chicken pitas for lunch, and crispy salmon bowls in the evening. Everyone in my family has rotated a summer cold within the last two weeks keeping us all homebound and bored while putting the brunt of the household and caretaking responsibilities right in my hands since my husband’s illness was more severe than mine. There is zero room for thoughts, opinions, or beautifully crafted essays when you’re knee-deep in non-stop caretaking.
However, even without the rotating illnesses, my brain has been inactive for months. Whether it’s motherhood’s endless demands or the firestorm that is our social, cultural, and political climate, how does one’s brain actually function?
Like, seriously. Please tell me. These are QTNA.
I don’t think I’m the only one whose brain is fried. I can’t be. Our brains are exhausted. They have had to endure too much unprecedentedness. And, the more unprecedentedness we endure, the more white supremacy culture emboldens in the midst of it.
What do I mean, you ask?
I am noticing a pattern every time I log on to the internet. Social media has become a “who can out-perform and out-activist everyone else” dumpster fire. We are nothing but a bunch of angry humans, relentlessly shouting at one another as we hide behind these mini palm computers. These palm computers have given us a false sense of courage, similar to liquid courage. We dare to say things we would never say “IRL,” because we’re hiding behind aliases as we do. With that newfound “courage” we are exhibiting almost every single characteristic of white supremacy culture:
perfectionism
individualism
progress is more
quantity over quality
right to comfort
power hoarding
either/or thinking
one right way
sense of urgency
…just to name a few.
Almost everyone has gone on an ego trip to the point of no return. Everyone believes their opinion is correct, their approach to justice is the one right way, and the demands for perfectionism are higher than ever. We are all posing as experts, daring to spew off “facts” as if we have received seven advanced degrees in what we are speaking about when in reality, we know so little. Social media has exponentially intensified the standards of white supremacy culture to the point where every moment you open an app, you are immediately entering into a competition with billions of people, and you must perfectly exceed every standard of white supremacy culture to be even remotely considered eligible for your stamp of worthiness. We have all been brainwashed to believe that our beautifully crafted tweets, threads, and TikToks are what makes us great, as if every time we press ‘post,’ lives are being saved.
The only thing that is being saved every time we press post is our egos. And, that is a temporary, fleeting moment of salvation. The moment ends as soon as it begins, leaving us feigning for more.
I am guilty of this. This is not an essay of judgment, but rather, reflection.
I have found myself more depressed than usual, lately. I suppose depression and numbness go hand-in-hand. As I have forced myself to get real about the cause of my depression, it boils down to a few simple things: because I haven’t been able to produce content/writing to the capacity I was once used to, I feel obsolete. Insignificant. Unworthy. I have grown dependent on my ability to appear online as intelligent, compelling, and inspiring as my source of worth. Without such, I am nothing. Without such, I have no meaning, no value, no worth. Even as I have crafted much of my work around bringing awareness to, and fighting against, the standards of white supremay culture that have normalized a cultural of performance, perfection, and work addiction to prove our worth, I fall right back into that trap every day as I measure my worth based on my ability to perfectly peform on social media.
As a work-from-home homeschooling mother, social media is my only outlet into the adult working world. It is the only thing I have access to, to produce some type of meaningful work from my home as I homeschool my kids. Especially as a writer. I’ve thought heavily about finding a part-time job that allows me to use my skills in a way that’s fulfilling, but doesnt’t rely on social media, but that feels too…impossible. The ability to flex my work by not having to answer to any one else’s demands, deadlines, and schedules seems to work best for now. (Unless…you, dear reader, happen to know of a flexible writing job? If so, please send it my way!) In the meantime, as I continue to work for myself, I am at the mercy of social media — the very place that has turned into a conglomerate of the worst of white supremacy culture. Social media is the firestorm of it all. It takes every sector of society that has run on white supremacy culture since our nation’s inception and puts it in one central location that runs on consistent overdrive and never ends. Not only is this exhausting, it’s detrimental. It’s dangerous. And, I’m fearful for the future of our humanity.
I wish I could end this essay with answers. Sunshine. Rainbows. Butterflies.
Hope.
I don’t have those answers. What I do have is permission. Permission to step away. Permission to say ‘no’ to the never-ending pressure to have something new, inspiring, witty, and intelligent to say. Permission to not allow the standards of white supremacy culture hold you in its ever-tightening grasp. Permission to give yourself whatever you need to reconnect with your humanity.
Because numbness, depression, heightened anxiety, and constant pressure should not be our norm. And it doesn’t have to be. We have the power to say no to it. We have the power to redefine how we will respond to it. Society does not dictate what makes us worthy, valuable, or powerful. We do. It is already within us. We just have to tune out society to hear it again.
I hope this moment passes for you; that the algos allow you to find some of Substack's more hospitable corners and a few newsletters less inflected/ infected by white supremacy culture; and that you get some restful, joyful, connections with others who are weary, but nurturing hopefulness.
Once again thank you for your honest words. This is the second of your posts I’ve read which resonates so powerfully with me in TRUTH. You’ve captured with your words some things that are at the core of my own depression and exhaustion: the meaningless striving which white supremacy and colonialism have put upon me. Thank you for clearly naming the root cause of my discontent and soul dis-ease at this time.